Terms Of Truce

India That Is Bharat

 One lives and learns. Just the other day Satiricus learnt that he is a terrorist. This information was given to him by the Hon’ble Sushil Kumar Shinde, Home Minister of the Government of Secular India. And in view of the fact that Satiricus is a born-again dimwit, this invaluable information was righteously repeated for his enlightenment by our friendly neighbour Hafiz Saeed. So now Satiricus knows that the so-called attack on Mumbai a couple of years ago was actually Janab Saeed’s holy war on terror that is India. Naturally this has put Satiricus in a blue funk. He wants to save his hide. He wants it as badly as Messrs Manmohan & Co. So what is the way out? There is only one agreement between the two outstanding anti-terrorists of pak Pakistan and na-pak India, namely, Sushil Kumar Shinde and Hafiz Saeed.

Satiricus submits that the terms of the truce could be as follows: No. 1. The Indian Constitution that was once improved by calling India officially secular should be further improved by calling India Islamically secular. No. 2. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s public statement that Muslims have the first right on India’s assets should be included as an article of faith among the articles of the Constitution. Naturally, as Indian Muslims and Pakistani Muslims share the same faith it should be clearly understood that Pakistani Muslims will enjoy the same right as Indian Muslims on whatever belongs to India. Later, it may even be considered whether Muslims all over the world should enjoy the same ownership of everything Indian. No. 3. It should be officially acknowledged that 100 crore Hindus can be finished by 15 crore Muslims in 15 minutes flat. No. 4. There should be an official fatwa against being born a Hindu. No. 5. In order to put an effective end to Hindu terror, every Hindu man, woman and child should be hanged by the nearest tree. In order to facilitate this pious duty, a countrywide afforestation programme should be launched.

Of course the Pakistani side will be equally accommodating. It will make the following generous offers: No. 1. Maulana Sushil Kumar Shinde, Moulvi Manmohan Singh, and Mian Sachar will be awarded the ‘Nishan-e-Pakistan’ title. No. 2. Pakistanis will give up their resolve to establish three Islamistans in India. They will now limit themselves to making only one Islamistan out of the whole of India. No. 3. Pakistani history text-books teach that India was taken out of Pakistan. This will now be suitably amended. There is already a Pakistani book titled 5000 Years of Pakistan, so now it will be taught that India was an integral part of Pakistan for 5000 years.

Journalistic Truth

Satiricus always suspected that George Bernard Shaw must have been on the staff of a newspaper in India. How else could he have known that journalism is an illiterate profession? Take this recent speech of the RSS chief in which he made some comments on marriage. According to the leading lights of the English media he said marriage means the wife is a contractual labourer hired by the husband, and if or when this maidservant breaks the contract he can hire another. See? This is what the English press has reported for the kind information of ignorant Satiricus.

The speech was in Hindi, but that was no problem. For an English newspaper what a speaker says in Hindi is not important, what the English reporter thinks the speaker said is all that matters. Had this English reporter’s English editor known a little bit of Hindi and had he obtained a video clip of the speech and had he listened to the actual speech he would (at least could) have understood that the RSS chief was describing the sorry state of the institution of marriage in modern India. So what? Why should there be a difference between his description of something and his approval of that same something? And in any case why should an English editor of India bother about what a hopeless Hindi-speaking backward Bharatiya really means? When fashionable ignorance is bliss, is it not a folly to be outdatedly wise? So Satiricus is quite satisfied that the English report of this Hindi speech is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the journalistic truth, and it is in the best tradition of journalism as defined by Bernard Shaw. Still Satiricus wonders…. How come the organisation with a leader of such views have lakhs of workers? Oh well, it seems the masses are made up of Hindu morons. And how come this organisation has spread to 50 countries of the world? Well, it takes all sorts to make this weird world, right?