Saturday, May 28th, 2022 04:00:19

Succession To Indian Throne

Updated: June 2, 2012 12:01 pm

India That Is Bharat

 Satiricus is simply shocked. Had it been him, or, for that matter, any adult Indian, he would surely have been hanged by the nearest tree for his heinous Hindu heresy. But what can you do with a school-going kid? Take this ten-year-old school-girl of Lucknow. She happened to find that her textbook has a lesson about Gandhiji where he has been referred to as the father of the nation. Okay, fine, but when did he become that, what year, she asked. “When I asked my parents, they didn’t have an answer. Even my teachers were clueless. So my mother suggested that I file an RTI” (Right to Information application) which she actually did.

Satiricus was stunned. Even a child-in-the Indian-street is expected to know that the right to information does not mean the right to information on anything about any Gandhi (such as the latest Gandhi’s tax returns). But then, young fools rush in where adults fear to tread. So the RTI was sent, and what happened? To quote an irreverent report, it “left the Indian government red-faced with a simple query”. Satiricus fails to understand why, but that is obviously because he does not run the Indian government.

Anyway, the question first went to the PMO. It answered it does not know the answer, and forwarded the question to the Home Ministry. The said ministry agreed with the PMO in not knowing the answer, and forwarded the question to the National Archives. And what did the Archives say? They said it was a matter of research. However, most helpfully they added, we’ll send you all the research material on the subject, “so that she could undertake the research” to finally discover the answer to the question.

To Satiricus’ mind all this is ridiculous. Even her mom could have told the little girl a simple fact of life nobody can be a father unless there is an offspring. So Gandhiji became the father of the nation when the nation was born on August 15, 1947.

Does that mean there was no nation called India before that date? Of course it does. Right up to August 14, 1947 there was no India. There was only Hindusthan, a gigantic jungle inhabited by primitive tribals called Hindus. For 10,000 years they roamed all over jungli Hindusthan. As these Hindu tribals were too primitive to know English, the language of civilised Indians, they wrote their Vedas in Sanskrit. They whiled away their time looking at the sky and came up with the fantastic idea that the earth was a sphere and it circled the sun. As they were too lazy to do any work they just sat with closed eyes and tried to think about how and when the world began, but being intellectual retards they could not arrive at the scientific truth that the world began on February 15, 4002 BC, as was later revealed by a Christian churchman. All in all, for 10,000 years these primitives called Hindus lived like jungli jānwar.

Fortunately, with our Semitic saviours’ arrival from Arabia these Hindu tribals began to be civilised (as the previous Imam of Delhi’s Jama Masjid had specifically pointed out). Thus, thanks to the civilising influence of Islam, Hindu tribals developed into civilised Indians. In turn these civilised Indians founded an improved edition of Islam and called it secularism. On the strength of this latest Semitic faith they crushed the Hindu tribals, hacked Hindusthan into three pieces, generously gave away two of them, and fashioned the remaining one into a nation called India, which was born in the midnight darkness of August 14-15, 1947. This not only made the first Gandhi the father of the nation but also provided a succession of later Gandhis with ownership right over the parental property called India.


Mathematical Miracle

Satiricus is happy to see that happiness has been quantified with arithmetical accuracy by the brainy Brits. Two recent studies, both made in Britain, have made this mathematical miracle. According to one of them, people are the happiest at the age of 33. According to the other there are 50 things that make man happy. These include finding money in an old pair of jeans, or being told you look slim, but sitting in the sun is one of the top 20.

Unhappily for Satiricus, he is not a Brit, so he is not entitled to British happiness. Then again, he does not wear jeans, and he does not look slim (he looks skinny). Sitting in the scorching Indian sun would not give him happiness, but could give him a sun- stroke. Above all, he is long past the happy age of 33. So how about a piping hot cup of coffee as a liquid index of happiness? The hotter the happier.

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