Wednesday, August 17th, 2022 13:46:36

Secular Salvation

Updated: July 13, 2013 11:51 am



The other day Satiricus saw a newspaper heading that gave wonderfully secular news. It said Mumbai city police get “schooled” in Islam. Despite being a congenitally communal cuss Satiricus admits he could do with some such schooling for the sake of his secular salvation, so he read the report with great interest. It said just days after issuing a circular warning its officers to keep a watch on the activities of Jamaat-e-Islami Hind, Mumbai Police accepted that organisation’s offer to take orientation classes about Islam for the police force. This orientation would help policemen “understand the principles of Islam,” assured the organisation’s Maharashtra unit chief.

For the kind information of this ignoramus the paper reported that the Jamaat-e-Islami was founded in 1941 by “noted but controversial theologian” Maududi, who had “played a defining role in the history of Pakistan”. Satiricus was suitably impressed with the credentials, but being an English-language journalist his English is poor, and consequently cussedly he thought “controversial theologian” meant the same thing as ‘fundamentalist Mullah’. Then again, soft-brained Satiricus wonders….if, as this report so beautifully vaguely puts it, Mullah Maududi “played a defining role in the history of Pakistan”, what is his organisation doing in India? Oh, well, maybe it has stayed back to now play a defining role in the history of India. And how is it going about it? By launching a Muslim political party in which it has invited Jamiat-Ulema-e-Hind, Majlis-e-Mushawwart, All India Mili Council, All-India Majlis-e-Ittehad-ul-Muslimeen, the Indian Union Muslim League, as well as Muslim MPs across party lines. Could there be a better way than such a party to “define” Indian secularism? Satiricus thinks not. In fact, he very much hopes that Mumbai’s police and Maududi’s Mullhas will join hands in manifesting the many splendours of Indian secularism.

The first step towards this precious purpose was taken when, according to the said report, the opening lecture was given by a former IB officer, in which “the topics most discussed were the Deobandis and the Wahabi movement,” and “specific questions raised included rituals surrounding Kaaba and issues regarding Haj subsidy”. Well, now, that was a pretty educative range, Satiricus must say. How uneducated Satiricus wishes he was there. He would then have learnt that it would be unpardonably anti-secular to say that for the hardware of terrorism the software was from Deoband, as half a dozen Pakistani scholars have written in their book In the Abyss. He would have also learnt that he better not learn that Wahabism, on the aggressive propagation of which the Saudi Arab government has spent 75 billion dollars in the last 40 years, is so fiercely fundamentalist that even Pakistanis are holding it responsible for the rampant bloodshed in Pakistan. On the Haj subsidy, Satiricus would have lamentably learnt that it was an unhappily unfriendly act on the part of the Saudi government to declare that such a subsidy was un-Islamic, and it was downright dastardly for a Muslim MP of the Congress to write an article in the press calling for immediate stoppage of it. To cap it all, apropos Kaaba, Satiricus, along with the school-going policemen would be prevented from learning in order to save him and them from a fatal fit that even the great Guru Nanak held it had been a temple with a Shiv-Linga in it, as he told Arab Mullah when he travelled to Arabia.

While all this knowledge is a precious part of Satiricus’s and Mumbai policemen’s secular schooling, the curious communal cuss in him has still a question the business of the police is to catch criminals, send pickpockets to jail and murderers to the gallows, but after learning at this school run for their benefit by the generous Jamaat-e-Islami, should they deal so murderously with murderers when the Prophet himself said : “He who murders another, property of the murdered becomes property of the murderer” (Ibn-e-Majah, vol. 2, p. 183)?

Of Cats And MICE

Satiricus has more than once pointed out the truth that the world is going to the dogs and getting better. Now it seems this truth is getting to be a half-truth, for according to recent reports in the papers the world is also going to the cats. For there is already a small American town where a cat is the mayor, while now another cat, in Mexico, is contesting election as mayor! Satiricus wonders….if that cat becomes mayor, what will it do for the town’s people? Well, it could help raise their standard of life through industrialisation by setting up a factory for manufacturing mouse-traps. But will the city’s mouse-population not oppose such a pernicious proposal tooth and tail? Why, the mice could even form an opposition party and invite our prime minister to be its chief patron.

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