Thursday, August 11th, 2022 10:45:03

Secular Alphabetism

Updated: October 19, 2013 1:37 pm



WHERE should education in literacy for illiterate journalists like Satiricus begin ? Of course with the alphabet. So it was with great attention that he read the other day in the papers the ABCD prepared and proposed by BJP leader Narendra Modi for the learned consideration of the literati. Unfortunately, he did not proceed beyond the beginning. What about the other alphabets that still left Satiricus in the illiterate lurch? Far from getting discouraged, he resolved to become a man of letters himself and produce a whole new alphabet of his own. Here he presents it, with all due deference to fellow-illiterates of the pen-pushing tribe:

A for ‘Akhand India’ (not to be ignorantly confused with Akhand Bharat) judiciously advocated by Justice Katju, which, he eruditely explains, can be brought about by joining together oh-so-secular India, Pakistan, which proudly calls itself the “Fortress of Islam”, and Bangladesh, acclaimed as “the other Pakistan”.

B for ‘beautician’, which our Foreign Minister is, as he could see the beauty of the face of China even through an occasional acne; B also for ‘billions, 2.2 of which are safely stashed in Switzerland, according to Swiss newspapers, for Rahul Baba, who, his faithful followers assure us, is interested only in serving the poor, not in becoming prime minister.

C for ‘China’, the name of the predatory dragon in the political jungle of the world; when it roars, it is mandatory for the UPA government to meekly mew. C also for ‘chor’, an honorific respectfully awarded to PM by MPs who include kidnappers and murderers.

D for ‘Durga Shakti’, who was naive enough not to know that obeying a court verdict was a punishable offence.

E for ‘English’, which, according to an alleged Indian intellectual, an Indian must know to become a “complete” Indian; E also for ‘enough’, extended to ‘enough is enough’, which the UPA government firmly tells Pakistan every time they kill and /or behead our soldiers, but which seems to be in such

abundant supply with this government that enough is

never enough.

F for ‘fixing’ a crooked match, in which players can make millions without batting but with betting; F also for ‘fatwas’ passed by Deoband, according to which Islam is so divinely delicate that it will be harmed if a Muslim woman rides a bike or a Muslim man gets an insurance policy.

G for ‘Gandhi, a family name that automatically makes one a treasure house of wisdom and an epitome of ability; G also for ‘gun’, the favourite toy of four-five-year-old American children with which to kill their parents, and of teenagers for wholesale slaughter.

H for ‘hell’, where, said an Indian mullah, Indians will go if they sing Vande Mataram; also for where, according to a prominent American evangelist, those who do not accept Jesus Christ are going with a one-way ticket; again also for where, according to columnist MJ Akbar, the UPA government has already gone.

I for ‘idea of India’, which scrupulously avoids any idea of Bharat; also for an ‘India’ that has the unique demography of an 85 per cent minority and a 15 per cent majority.

J for ‘journalism of courage’, which secular India’s biggest newspaper showed by stopping a foreigner’s column because it praised Hinduism.

K for Kashmir, half of which is ruled by Pakistanis and the other half dominated by pro-Pakistanis.

L for ‘love Jehad’, a lovely variety of Indian secularism.

M for ‘Most Favoured Nation’, a status the UPA government is begging Pakistan to bestow upon India for trade, but which Pakistan has also already granted to India with wholesale export of its terrorists; M also for the ‘market price’ at which our MPs and MLAs can be bought.

N for ‘ news’ that is paid for like any product made to order.

O for ‘ostrich’, which is the role model for the UPA government which believes problems will go away if it buries its head in the sand.

P for ‘politics’, which, a survey has assured us, is the most lucrative business in India.

Q for ‘Quran’, the latest Indian edition of which is called Sachar Report.

R for ‘RSS’, which is responsible for everything that goes wrong in this country, from terror attacks in Mumbai to heavy rains at Kedarnath.

S for ‘secularism’ which is the official religion of the theocracy that is India.

T for ‘terrorists’, whom the secular, civilized government of India honours as “Shri’ and “Saheb”.

U for “Union” that India is constitutionally called and yet is headed for fifty fractions called states.

V for ‘vote bank’, the most flourishing banking sector in India.

W for ‘war on terror’, which the UPA government knows very well how not to flight.

X for ‘X’mas/ Christmas, which was once banned in Christian England because it is actually a borrowed ‘pagan’ festival.

Y for ‘years’ after 60 of which of political independence India’s prosperity has spectacularly progressed from slogan to super-slogan, from garibi hatao to garibi mitao to garibi Mindset mitao.

Z for ‘Z-plus security’ which is provided to people’s leaders to protect them from the people.

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