Wednesday, October 5th, 2022 17:25:35

‘PAK’ Truths

Updated: January 26, 2013 11:18 am



He came, he saw, he conquered. No, Satiricus is not talking about Julius Caesar. He is talking about Pak Minister Malik who recently visited na-pak India. He conquered us with his precious pearls of wisdom and gorgeous gems of knowledge. For our kind information he explained the fact that Babri and 26/11 were equal and opposite. He revealed the truth that Abu Jundal is an Indian. He righteously remarked that he had arrested LeT top-gun Hafiz Saeed not once, not twice, but thrice, but the court set him free for lack of evidence (which negligent India did not care to provide). And finally he sadly said that in his carefully considered opinion Kargil martyr Capt. Kalia was tortured to death by inclement weather.

So there! What more did our Home Minister need? He was so dazzled by these pak Pak truths that he was struck dumb. In order not to sully his status as a gracious host he left it to a boorish babu to cussedly comment that what Minister Malik said was “ridiculous”. And only after that did our gentlemanly minister gently say the visiting Pakistani Minister was “misinformed”. What does that show? It shows that the dozens of dossiers our government has been dispatching day in and day out are, alas, regrettable rubbish. So what to do to make up for this lamentable lapse? Fortunately there is a surefire remedy. To quote a press report: “India will present Pakistan a fresh dossier describing accused Abu Jundal’s disclosures regarding the role of Pakistani masterminds” in 26/11. See? Wonders never cease. Nor do dossiers.

Tweedledum And Tweedledee

A wit once said language is a means of concealing thought. Then what is the thought behind making police officers of the Maharashtra government’s Anti-Terrorism Squad (ATS) learn the Urdu language, as was reported the other day? The ATS chief said it was “to know the Muslim community better and help them in whatever way possible”. Well, now, that explains it, no? No, not to dimwit Satiricus. He thought learning a language is for children, and they do it at school. And he also wondered….even if policemen have to learn Urdu, why anti-terrorism policemen in particular? But he stopped wondering when he recalled that a couple of years ago some policemen in Maharashtra had taken a crash course in the Urdu language for, alas, a crassly communal purpose. It was then reported that often times the terrorists they arrested were found to be in possession of material written in Urdu which they could not read as they did not know the language. Hence the Urdu course. So the question here for bird-brained Satiricus is, what is the difference between just any policeman learning Urdu because it is related to terrorism and anti-terrorism policemen learning Urdu “to know the Muslim community”? Oh, well, had Satiricus not been an illiterate, ignorant journalist, he would have understood the difference between tweedledum and tweedledee.

Journalists Without Brains!

Believe it or not, two youngsters are recently reported to have sent a legal notice to former Supreme Court judge and now Chairman of the Press Council of India Justice Markandeya Katju for his remark that “90 per cent of Indians are idiots”. Well, now, what do you know? Satiricus is sure he is one of those 90 per cent, but he hopes this eminent Indian, in spite of being an Indian, is in the remaining 10 per cent.

Actually, is it really so derogatory to be an idiot? Learned lexicographers don’t seem to say so. For according to the dons of the dictionary, originally “idiot” meant a “private person”, then it meant a “rude” person, then a “lay” person, then it went on to mean an “ignorant” person, and finally and colloquially it came to mean a stupid person. So the justiciable question here is, what precise variety of ‘idiot’ did Justice Katju have in mind?

Now, as journalism is an illiterate profession and Indian journalism an ignorant profession to boot, Satiricus knows that he is an idiot of the advanced, ignorant variety. But rising slightly higher in the idiotic scale, Satiricus may be rather “rude” to wonder if Justice Katju is himself only at the elementary level, just a “private person”, as he no longer holds his supreme office. The dictionary has even the phrase “idiot savant”. Here, disagreeing with the disagreeably discourteous dons of the dictionary Satiricus will say that in the case of Justice Katju it only means a “learned private person”. At the same time journalist Satiricus must disagree when he told the 90 per cent Indian idiots, “You people don’t have brains in your heads.” This is just not possible. For it would mean 90 per cent Indians are journalists.


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