Making Sense Of Nonsense

INDIA THAT IS BHARAT

SATIRICUS is miffed. He is rightfully miffed that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, apparently aided and abetted by his council of ministers, should so blatantly encroach upon his exclusive area of expertise—that area called Nonsense. It is a truth universally acknowledged that Satiricus is a master of writing nonsense. Then why was he not entrusted the onerous job of writing an ordinance that was “complete nonsense” and merited being “torn and thrown out”? Oh well, perhaps because even the high-quality nonsense Satiricus produces in this column week in and week out is not up to the standard set by Rahul Gandhi for “my government”. It may be passable, printable nonsense, but it is far from the comprehensive, complete nonsense the government needed for an extraordinary ordinance to protect the criminal MPs and MLAs who are the backbone of our democracy. Could Satiricus have fulfilled this national need? Satiricus humbly doubts. It was therefore in the fitness of things that this precious piece of nonsense was duly deliberated upon by the Prime Minister, publicly and dazzlingly defended by minister after senior minister, finally approved by the president of the ruling party, and only then had it been deemed fit to be torn and thrown out by the vice-president of the party.

Still this whole business has sadly shown Satiricus that not many people have the sense to appreciate nonsense. Rather, conversely, there are many people who do not have the sense to appreciate nonsense. Look, for instance, at the columns after newspaper columns reporting reactions. For starters, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh’s former media advisor called it insufferable insubordination on Rahul’s part. This is laughably ludicrous. The very idea of Rahul Gandhi being insubordinate to subordinate Manmohan Singh is fabulously funny. Then there are a nasty number of cussed critics who perniciously point out that Rahul had more than enough time while the ordinance was being penned and passed, then why did he wait for this particular moment to trash it? The answer is simple. It is that righteous Rahul was not a part of the government that wrote the ordinance nor of mummy’s NAC, then what could the poor outsider do? Then again, there is this well-known writer who wrote, with his tongue in his cheek, “Rahul Gandhi’s stance on convicted netas ordinance is commendable, but a bit like a chef coming out in a restaurant and screaming, “I hate the food here !” This is sheer nonsense. Can a cook employed in the kitchen cabinet at 10, Janpath ever question what’s cooking? To cap it all, a cussed columnist has gone to the execrable extent of asking the Congress to “wake up to the fact that they are banking on a leader who isn’t”. What complete nonsense ! How can Rahul be “a leader who isn’t” when he took care to be born in India’s only family of leaders?

Finally, Satiricus is happy to see that Manmohan finally sees that Rahul Gandhi’s nonsense makes sense. Rahul has brought him to his senses, so very sensibly he stayed put. But what is this remark that he “is not the master of the people”? Satiricus was under the impression that in a democracy the Prime Minister is not the master of the people but the servant of the people. But Satiricus is wrong, Manmohan Singh is right. Manmohan Singh is not the master of the People, he is the servant of the Family.

 Secular Decree

The Semitic religion of secularism is not easy to follow. The faithful must follow it meticulously. And as it is the official religion of the government of India it is in the fitness of things that the home minister of this government should issue a fiat for the chief ministers in the country instructing them that “no Muslim must be wrongfully held on terror charges”. Of course not. In secular India no Muslim can do wrong, so how can he be wrongfully held? But does the fiat mean no Hindu—even though he is not a Muslim—can be wrongfully held either? Presumably not. For in that case the home minister’s fiat would have said no Indian must be wrongfully held. True, under the law all Indians are equal. But under secularism some are more equal.

Of Shri & Jenab

The other day Satiricus saw an advert of the Jammu-Kashmir Bank’s jubilee celebration. It said the function’s chief guest was India’s Finance Minister Shri Chidambaram, it was presided over by J-K CM Jenab Omar, and the distinguished guests were : The Bank’s CEO Jenab Ahmad, J-K Finance Minister Jenab Rahim, and J-K deputy CM Jenab Tarachand. See? Chidambaram is a Shri because he is Indian, Tarachand is not because he is not. So what is Tarachand? Well, his status is “disputed”. At the most, Jenab Tarachand has acceded to India, but he has not merged in India. So secular Satiricus cannot communally and abusively address him as Shri Tarachand.