Sunday, June 26th, 2022 01:48:36

India That Is Bharat

Updated: December 4, 2010 2:46 pm

As a Hindu child simple Satiricus was taught a simple lesson that do good deeds (punya), and you will go to heaven; do bad deeds (paap, sin), and you will go to hell for punishments. So far so good. But which sinner is eligible for which punishment? Hinduism does not know, but Christianity does. In fact the jail manual of the Christian hell has specific punishments, if a recent report from London is to be believed. Believe it or not, this report says: It seems hell has different ways of punishing men and women sinners, for a study claims that men are most likely to commit lustful misdeeds, while women are full of conceit. According to the study, approved by the Vatican, men’s souls end up being pelted with fire and brimstone, while women’s souls are likely to be broken on a wheel in hell.

                Wojciech Giertych, personal theologian to Pope Benedict, said there was “no sexual equality” when it came to sin. “Men and women sin in different ways,” he wrote in the Vatican’s journal. His own observations confirmed the survey, an analysis of confessional data based on a Jesuit priest’s computerised study of the works of St Thomas Aquinas.

                Jesus Christ ! Is his hell that computerised? But in that case Satiricus recalls a modern saying: Every computer works on the “GIGO principle”—Garbage In, Garbage Out ! Oh well, maybe Christian computers are different, for if there can be “Christian Science”, there can be Christian computers too, no?


Islamic banking is coming to India, thanks to Muslims and Marxists. Is that good or bad ? Even a Hindu-cum-communalist ignoramus like Satiricus knows that it is good, because this is further proof of the fact that in blessed Bharat that is anti-Hindu India, one can always bank on secularism.

                There is also another reason for Satiricus’s happiness. It is the welcome prospect of job opportunities for a certain class of people the eunuchs of India (apart from those in the Government of India). For according to media reports from Islamabad in the recent past, with over 30 Pakistani banks writing off bad loans worth nearly 200 billion rupees, their Supreme Court has advised authorities to consider appointing eunuchs to recover the money from defaulters. A three-judge bench headed by the Pakistani Chief Justice made the observation, while hearing a petition pertaining to the rights of eunuchs.

                Ahmas Bobby, the president of a Pakistani eunuchs’ association, welcomed the suggestion and said they were prepared to shame such people by clapping and dancing outside their homes.“We will go to their homes and sing, dance and clap outside their doors and ask them to return what they have looted from the country. We will gherao their homes and ask them to return the loans or wear bangles and join us,” Bobby said.

                While advising the government to consider using eunuchs for recovering loans, the court said the appointment of eunuchs for this purpose would also provide them respectable employment. Satiricus would like to suggest a still more respectable alternative: Why not invite them here to “man” our government ?


Being at the top is always an admirable achievement, and a matter of pride. So since the time Satiricus had proudly read not long ago that India is almost at the top of the ladder among the world’s most corrupt countries, he had taken it for granted that the Indian people’s representatives in Parliament must be suitably corrupt as well. In fact they must be the world’s most corrupt MPs. But alas, his patriotic pride has been pricked and that too by none other but the Gora Sahibs who ruled us, and whose Raj had once been hailed as divine dispensation. For the news is that corruption among British MPs has scaled divine heights. One of them, a man and a minister, has claimed reimbursement for women’s clothes and babies’ nappies, while others have billed the government for, among other things, a £-10 bag of horse manure, a £-2 Kitkat chocolate, an 88-penny bath plug, even a 26-penny wooden spoon. Well, well, well! Satiricus wonders….What is the difference between a British MP’s horse manure and a certain Bihar MP’s cow fodder worth some lakhs of Rupees? Perhaps the difference is the same as between food for thought and fodder for thought.

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