Sunday, January 29th, 2023 17:13:03

Incandescent Embodiment Of Virtue

Updated: February 9, 2013 3:12 pm

India That Is Bharat


Satiricus should not have been surprised. Still he was. He always knew that secularism was a religion like any other ism. And of course where there is a religion there is a sin on the one hand and a merit on the other. What surprised him, however, was that a sin in the eyes of God could also be a sin in the eyes of government. But then, in secular India that was religious Bharat, wonders never cease. The latest one of them is that the UPA government, an incandescent embodiment of virtue, now proposes a new tax called ‘sin tax’, which will be levid on the consumption of substances like tobacco and alcohol, to be used to finance a part of the health budget.

Frankly speaking, this is a sticky situation for Satiricus. For as he neither drinks nor smokes, how can he pay this tax to help the government build the nation’s health? As he is a patriotic citizen, that makes him sad. Secondly, being a journalist, that is, being an acknowledged ignoramus, even after taxing his bird-brain he cannot answer a simple question will this sin tax be a substantial part of the government’s revenue to be a real help unless more and more people are encouraged to sin so that there could be more more tax collections? In other words, the more the sinners, the better for the government, no?

In a way, however, that would strengthen our democracy. For our sinful voters could elect their sinful representatives in Parliament, where they could join hands with the large number of our honourable MPs charged with a rich variety of crimes ranging from murder to robbery. It is indeed a thrilling prospect for citizen Satiricus that he could now be ruled not only by murderers and crooks but also by drunks holding official certificates of sin.

Nagged Husband Vs Nagging Wife

The general understanding of the common man everywhere is that it is the job of the police to protect him from thieves, murderers and assorted criminals. But then, it takes all sorts to make the world, so we now have an uncommon man who seeks police protection from believe it or not his better half. According to a recent report from Taiwan, a man got so fed up with his wife’s non-stop nagging that he decided to stage a robbery so that the police could arrest him and he could go to jail to avoid her. Accordingly he went to a shop and shouted, “I’m here to rob, call the police!” He kept insisting that they call the police. He then bought cigarettes and kept smoking and waiting for the police. The police duly did come, but what did they do? Rather, what did they not do? They did not take him to jail when they found he had no intention to commit a crime.

See? A splendid idea gone sour. A husband in search of happiness was denied a happy home in jail. But was he not himself responsible for this domestic disaster? In the considered opinion of Satiricus the idea was good but the implementation was bad. In fact it was a deeply flawed operation. The flaw was that this stupidly self-proclaimed robber not only did not rob the cash-box, which he should have, he actually bought, that is, paid for, cigarettes, which he should not have.

Now, it is a fact known all over the world that the police are corrupt all over the world. Still they simply cannot catch a thief unless he thieves. So what he should have done was to openly steal the cigarettes, run away to the police station, distribute the cigarettes to the policemen there, and then inform them that he had stolen them. Then they would have thanked him for the cigarettes and arrested him for stealing them. Operation successful. Nagged husband’s vocal victory over nagging wife.


Hot Nose

Satiricus has been taught to tell the truth. Otherwise what will happen? Otherwise, believe it or not, he might get a hot nose. He is not joking. Researchers at a European university have reportedly found that if and when you lie, a rise in anxiety produced by telling the lie will increase the temperature of the tip of your nose. Satiricus thinks this is ridiculous. At least practised liars are cool customers, and they would surely thumb their nose at the idea of a hot nose. For others, however, the said scientists have a solution. They say if you are worried that your lie will be uncovered, there is a way of cooling the nose down it is to make “a great mental effort”. This is all the more ridiculous. For if such a great mental effort is indeed needed to hide a little lie, is that not as bad as telling the truth? Why, it might be easier to keep a cool compress on your hot nose and thus keep your cool. But if you really want cool competence at telling lies, there’s a surefire way—become a politician.

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