India That Is Bharat
“All men are mortal, Socrates is a man, therefore Socrates is mortal.” That is the logic Satiricus was taught in college. Well, one really lives and learns. For extending that old logic to new times, Satiricus now learns that “All Indians are happy, Satiricus is an Indian, therefore Satiricus is happy.” At least that is what a recent survey says, according to newspaper headlines happily declaring that “Indians are the happiest people on the planet”. Actually it was news to Satiricus that he was happy. Rather, he thought he had every right to be unhappy, because: He lives in the world’s dirtiest country, according to a minister of the Government of India. He lives in one of the most corrupt countries in the world, according to survey after survey that fill newspaper columns these days. He lives in a country where it is legal to be immoral, according to a judge. He is the citizen of an India that is, after 60 years of Independence, poorer than some very poor countries in Africa, according to international surveys. He lives in an India where eminent people say bribes are okay so long as they are fancifully called facilitation money. And he lives in a sovereign India that is bullied by China, terrorised by Pakistan, and overwhelmed by America. How wrong he was! Illiterate, ignorant, puerile pen-pusher that satiricus is, he does not know that these are the very reasons that should make him happy. In the first place, he must be happy because he can live a life of luxury on 26 rupees a day, as decreed by Mai Baap Sarkar. Secondly, he must be happy because if his country looks dirty, a lot of that dirt promotes our friendly foreign relations, because exporting garbage to India is reportedly big business in Britain. Then again, he must be happy because even the Swiss have certified that we are not as corrupt as maliciously made out to be even by highly-placed personalities in the government who claim we have 50 billion dollars in secret Swiss states, instead of, maybe, a mere 15 billion. Still again, he must be happy because the Pakistanis play cricket with us whenever they can spare the time from blowing us up with bombs. Yet again, he must be happy because China, for whom India is militarily no match, as a top-ranking military officer publicly acknowledged not long back, has magnanimously and mercifully assured us that it will not make war on us for the next two years. And finally, Satiricus must be very happy because we are no more backward Bharatiyas but advanced Indians, who, perhaps, are looking forward to the day when, as in advanced England, our educationists will sagely advise our school children to have daily sex for good health, and next, as in still more advanced America, our enlightened government extends a helpful, legal hand to our soldiers to have sex with animals.
Satiricus was in tears when he learnt Soniaji was in tears. And he must say it was a crying shame that BJP should ask to probe those tears. Now, Satiricus is certainly sorrowful, but it must also be confessed that this curious cuss is confounded. For while, on the one hand Law Minister Salman Khurshid made the grieving revelation apropos the three-year-old Batla House terror attack that Soniaji had tears in her eyes on seeing the pictures, on the other hand Congress party leader Digvijay Singh rejected his colleague’s claim and said, “Soniaji never cried, those are Salman’s words.” Then what did Khurshid do/ he did what every politician does—he denied he said what he said. Instead, he said, I didn’t say she cried, I said she became emotional. “That should put paid to BJP’s unemotional, unfeeling demand that the PM clarify the situation. By the way, was the Congress crocodile on tearful duty that day or not? Or did the moronic muggar think tears were not called for because Soniaji had not cried, she had wept.
The progress of India’s Christian secularism under the progressive alliance was already amazing. For Satiricus has read the stunning statistics of thousands of crores of rupees that flow into the country, mostly from America, for the pious purpose of elevating heathen Hindus into blessed believers in the Christian god. But now comes the icing on the conversion cake—Gandhiji has been baptised into a post hymous Christian by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, called the Mormon Church of America. Oh, well, in the opinion of this pagan pen pusher, that is not such a bad idea—maybe Jesus Christ’s church needs some lessons from Gandhiji on how to maintain morality in the big business of selling Christianity.