Monday, May 23rd, 2022 08:48:43

Dog Days

Updated: September 17, 2011 3:16 pm

India That Is Bharat

Satiricus has a sound suggestion for the Prime Minister on how to get out of the tight spot in which the abominable Anna Hazare has put him. It is: Let the situation go to the dogs. Satiricus is not joking. For only the other day he read a newspaper report headlined “Dogs experts at conflict management”. It is about a book recently titled “Clever dog: Life lessons from man’s best friend.” Its author assures us humans that, says the report, “dogs’ ability to recognise when their owners are angry and quietly diffuse the situation far outstrips human ability to resolve disputes.”

See? If top people cannot handle a hazardous Hazare situation, why not consult the top dogs? They could not only solve the problem but solve it the way the gang called government wants it. For, says the author of this book, “The dog in many respects is able to deceive its owners into making them believe what they want to believe.” Why, isn’t that just wonderful? For it means, while, on the one hand Anna can be tricked into believing that corruption is over, on the other hand not a single cent from Prince Charming’s two-billion-dollar Swiss stash need be disturbed. For Satiricus it would be the most enjoyable joke about the jokepal bill.

Saving snowmen

Despite a degree in Law under his belt Satiricus knows that the law is a tricky business. Take, for instance, the heinous crime of murder. If you kill a man, you can be sentenced to death. But what if it’s not a man but a snowman? Well, Satiricus would say a murder is a murder, and what category of man is killed is a minor detail. So when a London bus driver “killed” a snowman “standing” in the middle of the road by driving his bus over him, the conscientious London police very rightly arrested him. What later happened to this murderer Satiricus does not know. Probably, he was not hanged. Possibly, he was sentenced to being pelted with a hundred snowballs.

Fortunately for snowmankind, bus drivers in the US of A are far more considerate and far less murderous. They are also remorseful enough to atone for their sins. The other day, for instance, a Netizen of a town in the state of Illinois put a video clip on the YouTube showing a local bus driver running over a snowman built in the middle of the road. The video first showed a car slowing down and driving around the snowman. Seconds later a bus came—and flattened the snowman. Onlookers could be heard yelling “Oh, no!” as the snowman met his doom. The bosses of the bus company saw the video and were shocked. The upshot: The bus driver resigned for “killing” the snowman. See? Killing is killing, and you have to pay for it. If the victim is a man, you lose your life. If the victim is a snowman, you lose your job. All are equal before the law. Maybe some are more equal than others.

Villainous goggles

Satiricus wears glasses. They help him see what he is writing in this column. After all, he is a pen-pusher, and he fears that if push came to shove his pen might write what Satiricus might think not right. But it seems that if glasses help clearer vision, there are people who take a dim view of sunglasses. For according to a recent report from Hanoi, the Communist government of Vietnam has banned policemen from wearing dark sunglasses while on duty. The order has been issued in order to “keep appropriate manners”. Satiricus is puzzled. He had no idea it was inappropriate to protect your eyes from the sun. Of course, he knows that in India that is Bollywood it is mandatory for filmi villains to wear dark glasses, without which, it is thought, they cannot look suitably villainous. But he thought in Vietnam that is not India that is Bharat it should be permissible if a policeman could do his duty better without blinking his eyes in a blazing sun. Will he not feel hot-tempered in a hot sun? Can he keep cool without “cool shades”, as goggles are fashionably called?

In fact, even Communist China could have told Communist Vietnam that dark glasses “help keep the peace”. For farmers in China have been issuing fashionable goggles to their cocks to keep the peace on their poultry farms. They say cocks are always looking to pick fights with other cocks, but with these dark glasses they cannot see the other cocks clearly, and so they are much more peaceful. Now, that’s really an idea. Satiricus muses if goggles can keep the peace among poultry, can they not keep peace among people? Perhaps not. For people are not as sensible as poultry.

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