Tuesday, June 28th, 2022 21:34:23

Crux Of Indo-Pak Amity

Updated: May 26, 2012 3:47 pm

India That Is Bharat


Open letter to Hon’ble Member of Parliament (Rajya Sabha) Shri Sachin Tendulkar: Maananiya MPji, Hearty congratulations on your inclusion in the Dainty Dozen, the number of celebrities that the President can nominate to the Rajya Sabha, our Upper House. Now every house needs interior décor, and Parliament’s House of Elders is no exception. And where can one find the best decoration pieces? Of course among filmi celebrities. So that was where the government was traditionally going for pretty fixtures to Tinsel Town. But with your inclusion it has broken new ground the cricket ground. This bold initiative on the part of the powers that be makes Satiricus bold enough to believe that illuminating elderly advice is now at hand to solve the many problems that beset our country.

For starters, Satiricus expects that your first priority will be foreign relations, especially with the MFN (Most Favoured Neighbour) Pakistan. This is because it is universally acknowledged that cricket is the crux of Indo-Pak amity. You may have seen how our media goes into raptures every time India and Pakistan play a cricket match. And when the Pak PM personally came down to watch the Mohali match all our Kashmiri secularists had without exception rooted for Pakistan. Without doubt this was an illustrious illustration of how cricket can overwhelm Indian hearts with love for Pakistan.

The problem of Indo-Pak amity thus sent for a six, you may like to have a look at the economy. What, sir, in your erudite opinion, is the way to tackle the problem of fiscal deficit? What will be your elderly advice on how the G-2 spectrum allocation should have been made? Most importantly, what do you think of the fell fact that even with an economist as our Prime Minister our economic standard is so poor that Standard and Poor has downgraded us? At the same time an interesting development in our developing economy which you may have duly noted is that only the other day the government has reportedly raised the BPL (Below Poverty Line) from 23 paise per day to 66 paise sorry, sorry, it was a slip of the slippery pen, Satiricus meant rupees, not paise. Still, how would you fancy living a life of luxury for a day on 66 whole rupees?

At the end of the day, however, Satiricus must admit that your valued guidance on all such matters of moment would be available only if you attend Parliament and speak. But will you? You don’t have to, you know? There were celebrity members of the Rajya Sabha who never did, forget speaking. True, the Indian Parliament is the talking club of India, but, for you, it is not the Cricket Club of India, is it?

Basic Primer

A couple of years ago, a court in the United Arab Emirates (UAE) had ruled that wife-beating was legal under Islamic Sharia law, but it became illegal if and when the beating left marks on the beaten wife’s body. At that time, Satiricus had wondered if every pious, wife-beating Muslim husband was knowledgeable in the technology of beating his wife without showing the beating. Where was the necessary guidance for the poor husband? Was the learned judge in the UAE aware of the sorry fact that there wasn’t even a basic primer to teach him how to beat his wife without infringing the sacred Sharia law?

Fortunately, this badly-needed educational aid is at last available. Muslim husbands of the world would be happy to learn that a couple of months ago an Islamic marriage guide advising men on “the best ways” to beat their wife has been published in the U. Islamic K. Very aptly titled A Gift for Muslim Couple, the book tells husbands that they should beat their wife with “hand or stick, or pull her by the ears”. Advertised as a “presentation for newly-weds”, the 160-page book has been authored by a Maulavi by name Ashraf Ali Tanvi, considered a prominent Islamic scholar.

Satiricus is of course happy from the bottom of his secular heart that every Muslim of the world can now learn the science and technology of wife-beating with all due diligence. At the same time, Satiricus also feels patriotically hurt that our very own dear Deoband was not the first to bring out such a valuable educational aid. At least it can now save face by bringing out a mass edition of the book, and even issue a fatwa decreeing that no Muslim man must take a wife without first learning how to beat her both scientifically on the one hand and legally on the other.


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