WHY doesn’t Satiricus have a smartphone when everybody has it? Obviously because he is not smart enough to have one. And what makes it so obvious that he isn’t smart? The very fact that he is writing this column, which makes him a journalist, which shows he isn’t smart enough to be anything better. Not that he doesn’t want to do better. How he has wished he could just pop a pill and become smart instead of remaining a retard—and that is exactly what seems possible now. For “now”, says a recent report, “popping a pill may make you smart”. It says scientists at the Stanford University in the US have discovered a way to make a person smarter by “reverting” his brain to a “plastic” childlike state. They found that a certain protein in animal brain cells can be so modified that “at least one part of the brain becomes more ‘plastic’ (malleable), enabling it to “rewire” itself to learn new skills—in effect making a person smarter”. Well, now, this does sound like good news for Satiricus. But there is a catch, rather, two catches. First, will what makes mice smarter also make men smarter? Secondly, the report clearly says the experiment can make one ‘smarter’, but does that not mean he has to be smart in the first place? See the point? However, is not being smart—forget smarter—enough to have a smartphone depress Satiricus? If yes, says another news report, he can at least monitor and regulate his depression. According to it, “your smartphone may now tell if you are depressed, stressed or lonely”, thanks to a new app that automatically keeps track of the state of your mind. This, in turn, would help “improve productivity” of the user of the phone. Well, now, does that mean if Satiricus were to invest in a smartphone it would help him write a better column? Would this column then regale the reader with more readable rubbish, even terrific tommyrot? And even if it does that, would it also mean a nicer number of peanuts in return?