Nutritious Food For Thought
INDIA THAT IS BHARAT
WHY did what happened happen? Satiricus is talking about the dazzling zero-four performance of the Congress party in the recent assembly elections. To this one question of questions there are as many answers as there are people. Like, for instance, Rahul Baba’s mom at one end and Mani Shankar Aiyar at the other. Mom says she is “deeply disappointed”, and it was because perhaps they did not know well enough how to handle an election. For her it was a bad blank. Aiyar, on the other hand, disagrees diametrically. He actually says in big, bold type—“It’s good to lose.” And why so? Because the “poll reverses”, as Aiyar thinks of the thrashing at the hustings, “could give Rahul the (welcome) opportunity to remake the Congress” without the “impeding” “distraction of running a government”. Oh my! Satiricus had no idea Rahul’s “my government” was actually “my distraction”. And in that case did the vile, vicious voter vote against it because this disastrous distraction made for a bad government? Not so, says Rahul, because when a rank rookie in politics trounced the three-time chief minister of Delhi, Rahul virtually congratulated her and said she was defeated despiter her good government. Well, now, Satiricus has indeed heard it said that too much of anything, even good, is not good, so he thinks the Delhi CM’s government may have been too good for the voter.
Having thus realised that a government is not as important as the party, Rahul has rightly decided to “transform the party in ways you cannot even imagine”. Of course we cannot. When Rahul Baba, with two billion dollars in a Swiss stash, pointed out to us that we are poor because we imagine we are poor, could we not imagine we are rich? We could not. Why? Because we have a poor imagination and our empty stomach is unimaginative enough to understand that food and food bill are equally edible. Unfortunately for Rahul, an unimaginative people is not his only problem. Another is a ‘base’-less party. According to a newspaper heading, “Why can’t we extend base? Rahul despairs.” My God! Despair of Rahul Gandhi is disaster for the country. But stupid Satiricus is puzzled. Why should Rahul Gandhi despair? If he wants to extend the Congress party’s base, it’s easier done than said. Just call up Priyanka to join him, and the problem is solved. In fact, this was precisely and publicly suggested by the celebrated Tarun Tejpal when he wrote to Sonia Gandhi, you gave yourself to the country, you gave Rahul, now give us also the “luminous” Priyanka. See? Tejpal, true to his name, knew that the luminosity (even incandescence) of Priyanka could easily light up every Congress heart and dispel the darkness of despair. By the way, how old are Priyanka’s children? Uncle Rahul could perhaps think of inviting them to join the family business of bachao-ing the country. Maybe they are a little too young, but what does that matter? Had not every doddering Congress leader dutifully acclaimed Priyanka, when she was virtually a teenager, as the treasure house of all wisdom in the world? So Satiricus is sure saving the country would be child’s play for any child of Priyanka.
But, of course, there would be no problem even if Baba is not joined by babies. For the present deemed debacle—which Aiyar assures us is in fact no debacle but deliverance from a distraction—would be no challenge for Rahul Gandhi. Naturally and expectedly, BJP’s blind boors fail to see it that way. For, the other day, BJP MP Smriti Irani obtusely observed with twisted tongue in cheek, “No Congressman has answered if this defeat was due to Rahul’s style of working. They know he himself is a challenge for the party.” What nonsense! Rahul Gandhi cannot be a challenge for the Congress Party for the simple reason that Rahul Gandhi is the Congress Party. That the ignoramuses of the BJP don’t or can’t know this is to be expected. What, however, is really regrettable is that even the media has joined the BJP in deriding the dynasty’s shining scion. For, while in the past they used to compare the resplendent RaGa with chaiwala NaMo, now they have stooped so low as to compare (or contrast) him with the cussed Kejri.
And this brings Satiricus to some steps that the Managing Director of the MNC ‘India Savers & Son’ should take rather urgently: First, a total, countrywide ban on brooms. There must be a strict law saying whenever anything needs to be swept under the carpet, it must be done with a vacuum-cleaner. Secondly the Aam Aadmi Party should be prosecuted for misappropriating the aam aadmi whom the Congress has patented and used in every election for decades. And thirdly there should also be a law strictly prohibiting the use of saffron in any Indian cooking, even in the kitchen of the kitchen cabinet at 10, Janpath. That could put a stop to food poisoning—that is, of poisoning the food bill. It would also provide safe and nutritious food for thought for unimaginative Indian aam aadmis who imagine they are hungry.