Wednesday, 20 November 2019

Unnecessary Baggage

Updated: March 16, 2013 1:03 pm

INDIA THAT IS BHARAT

 Let’s be honest about it, Satiricus is honestly puzzled. The other day he read in the papers about a Congress leader saying the BJP does not know even the spelling of the word honesty. And that’s the puzzle Satiricus is talking about. The BJP, after all, is a political party, then why should it burden itself with the unnecessary baggage of knowledge of the spelling of the word honesty? What on earth is the connection between politics and honesty? None that Satiricus can see. Otherwise would the Congress have had such a distinguished career marked by unexcelled excellence in ignorance not only of the spelling of the word honesty but of the very existence of the word honesty? Satiricus is sure not.

Everybody knows this, even illiterate journalists. Take this heading of an editorial a paper wrote the other day “It’s Raining Scams”. Was it not an admiring acknowledgement of an outstanding achievement of the Congress? Incidentally, this curious cuss that is Satiricus found out that the origin of the English word honesty is the Latin word honestas. Latin was the language of the Romans of yesterday. But then, the Romans of yesterday are not the same as the Italians of today. The First Family in our dynastic democracy is an Italian. Not long ago, the First Friend of the First Family was an Italian. And now it is Italians who are anxious to take our high-flying VVIPs for a ride. Is there some verbally valuable connection running through all this? This wordsmith honestly does not know. Possibly honesty is the best impolicy.

Dog Written Reports

Satiricus sincerely says this world that we live in is getting a better and better place to live in since it began to go to the dogs. He is not joking. Take law and order in the human society. We have policemen for that. But are men who are policemen enough? They are not. We also need dogs that are police dogs. They are diligently doing their duty when they are fighting crimes by biting criminals. So Satiricus was not very much surprised to read in the papers that recently, when prosecutors in a London court asked for an account of a certain crime, they were given a crime report ‘written’ by a PC (Police Constable) Peach—‘Peach’ being the name of a police dog. The said report succinctly said: “I chase him. I bite him. Bad man….Good boy Peach.” It was duly signed with a paw print.

Well, now, isn’t that as it should be? Of course it is, except for the minor detail that the report was written by some human police officers as a joke. Joking apart, why can’t we really look forward in the near future to the delightful days of dog-written reports? Not long ago Satiricus had read that a dog could understand nearly a dozen words his master spoke. Then why can’t dogs at home with the spoken word be equally at home with the written? In fact, Satiricus looks forward to a day when crimes and criminals could be curbed more effectively when, instead of policemen using police dogs, police dogs would be using policemen.

Simian Brilliance

After failing in exam after school exam because he could not remember what he had learnt, Satiricus became a dropout, eventually to become the only thing to become a journalist. In this profession he doesn’t have to remember, because he doesn’t have to learn. He only has to write eruditely on anything and everything that he does not know. But that does not mean he is making a monkey of his readers. That would be insulting. That would be insulting to the monkey. For a new research has revealed that monkeys, especially chimpanzees, described as the “closest human cousins” (which include human Satiricus) have a faster memory than us humans. The simian study showed that it takes chimps a fraction of a second to remember something that it would take several seconds for humans to memorise. A Japanese scientist has demonstrated the prowess of chimps in remembering in less than half a second the precise positions and correct sequence of up to nine numbers on a computer screen.

See? That is the difference between monkeys and men. Monkeys remember, men forget. Especially men in India. Particularly men in the government of India. Take Pakistan, teeming with terrorists. Pakistani terrorists come to India, wreak havoc in India, then return to Pakistan, to come again at their convenience. And what do we do? We make it a point to forget, and make it a policy to forgive. Would that have happened if our government was made up of monkeys? But unfortunately it is not made up of monkeys. It is made up of mice.

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