India That Is Bharat
Satiricus admits where the Pakistan Policy of the Government of India that was Bharat is concerned, he is a deplorable dunce. His understanding is infantile. His ignorance is ignoble. His knowledge is abysmally absent. And yet he finds his confusion worse confounded when he sees columnist after columnist (that is, expert after expert) urging our Prime Minister to go on a pious pilgrimage to Pakistan. A few days ago one such expert had advised the PM to go there and reveal to our very neighbourly neighbours his “vision of a very different subcontinent” and do so “without any pre-conditions, without seeking any deliverables”. Such a grand vision! And if Satiricus’s bespectacled vision fails to sect it, so much the worse for him, no? As it happens, after reading Chanakya’s Arthashastra Satiricus thought that a state’s foreign policy must not be foreign to its own interest, that it must be a policy of give and take, not of give and give and give. But then, what did Chanakya know about foreign policy?
Anyway, there is now another columnist-cum-expert explaining eruditely “why PM must visit Pakistan”. He has sagely advised the PM to do so despite 26/11, which he first describes as a “war-like crime” but later as a “provocation”. Well, now, being an English-language journalist Satiricus is notoriously weak in English, so he will need the help of some learned lexicographer to reveal to him the definitive difference between a mere provocation and a war-like crime and also between a war-like situation and the same situation described in the same paper as ‘war’ by another columnist. When army officers actively participate in organising a “provocation” does it remain war-like or qualify as war? Satiricus does not know, for he is not a columnist masquerading as an expert, he is only an apology of a columnist.
To make matters worse for his bird-brain, this expert says: “We must recognise that one of the most conducive times for normalisation of Indo-Pak relations is NOW” (the capitals the expert’s, not Satiricus’s). Why so emphatic? Because “more and more people at all levels in Pakistan have begun to realise the folly of viewing India as their enemy.” Oh, my! That is a great news. How come this Indian expert knows it but the former President of Pakistan doesn’t? Only the other day Musharraf had said the killers of 26/11 had mass support in Pakistan. How could he be so ill-informed? Our Indian expert must immediately disabuse the former Pak President’s na-pak mind.
Then again, what about that very recent and very silly survey showing that a massive majority of Pakistanis want more and more ‘Islamisation’ of their society? A normal person like Satiricus would wonder how far an Indian PM wearing his secularism on his sleeve could cut ice with massively Islamist Pakistani people. But that is precisely the problem with Satiricus. He is just a normal columnist, not an abnormal expert.
And here’s the final kick in the pants for stupid Satiricus. The prime representative of the Government of India must go to talk to those in the Government of Pakistan even though they are manifestly incapable of dealing with the 26/11 masterminds. Translated into English this means the Government of India must go to talk with a Government of Pakistan that cannot govern Pakistan. Well, well, well. Satiricus must say he is immeasurably impressed with this precious piece. Rarely does one come across such terrific tommyrot.
A non-political nitwit that he is, Satiricus did not know that there was such a thing as a political patent, but apparently there is. For when Kejriwal named his party Aam Aadmi Party Congress Minister Manish Tewari charged him with infringement of such a patent, and pointedly pointed out that “the aam aadmi has been synonymous with the Congress since 1885, nobody can hijack this intrinsic relationship”. Actually this is an interesting piece of history for Satiricus. For he wonders if the gora sahib who founded the Congress that year knew enough Hindi to know anything about the existence of an aam aadmi, whom as a retired ICS officer he had known only as a kala native. So when and how did this wonderfully intrinsic relationship develop? The answer, alas, does not lie in a private family relationship, it lies in an international “hunger index” published last year. It showed that among 70-odd countries of the world whose people have little food to eat, India is at the bottom 15. According to another survey half the aam aadmis in India go to bed every night on an empty stomach. Manish Tewari could tell Satiricus if these starving aam aadmis have a relationship with the Congress so they don’t need a relationship with a roti.