Thursday, 28 May 2020

Politics Of ‘Power’

Updated: May 21, 2012 4:29 pm

India That Is Bharat

 As a patriotic citizen of the democratic republic of India Satiricus is delighted to see that our dear dynastic democracy is proliferating in UP instead of remaining confined to 10, Janpath. He is really happy that the chief minister son is dutifully following in the footsteps of the chief minister father. As is the time-honoured ritual, he began with making the right noises. He declared in righteous, ringing tones that there would now be no goonda raj. Did he mean it? Of course not. Why should he, when no politician worth his adulterated salt ever means what he says? The goondas know it, and even Satiricus knows it although he is not a goonda or/and a politician.

Anyway, with that pious formality out of the way, the first thing the young, brand-new Chief Minister did was to make a minister out of a history-sheeter with a sheet as long as from here to Timbuktoo. Satiricus was impressed. Even bird-brained Satiricus had to admit that only a brainy CM could have thought of making a jail-bird into a jail minister. The newspapers have reported the long list of crimes of this Hon’ble Minister. So what? Are not crime and politics interchangeable terms in India that is blessed Bharat? Then should not a respectable minister have a respectable roster of crimes to his credit?

Then again, having just a single, solitary criminal as a minister would have been infra dig, no? So, as per newspaper reports, the new UP cabinet has as many as 28 ministers with a criminal background. Now this is really something. When power politics is the name of the game, it’s cheaper by the dozen.

Anyway, with this admirable achievement under his belt, the son can follow the father in other areas as well. So, for starters, how about bestowing on SIMI the Most Favoured Nationalist Organisation status? The father had publicly declared that SIMI is not a terrorist organisation. True, the Supreme Court had said to SIMI, “you are secessionist?” So what? Is not secession currently the hot Indian fashion? Ask the female who called on Kashmiri Indians to break away from “Bhookhè Nangè Hindustan”. Ask the NRP (Non-Resident Pakistani) heading the Hurriyat who openly says he cares more for the welfare of Pakistan than that of India. Ask also the Comrades of the south who once punished a fellow-Comrade for being “pro-India”.

And the final feather in the son-CM’s secular cap would be a cordial invite to wretched Rama-bhaktas to re-visit Ayodhya so that they could be gunned down.

Wisdom Unfolded

Elephants are sagacious. Canines are canny. Beavers are brainy. Is that the end of it? Alas, no. Satiricus recently learnt from the newspapers that monkeys are smart enough to recognise photographs of their friends; chimpanzees, in particular, not only learn medicine from their elders but can even understand language; rats are “as good as humans at decision-making”; and, as if all this is not enough of a blow to Satiricus’s (hu-) manhood, whales and dolphins are so intelligent that they deserve human rights.

Oh my God ! What have you done? How could Satiricus continue writing this column if the editor found out that a monkey would be better at English than Satiricus, a rat is better than Satiricus at deciding the subject of the week, and a whale is so intelligent that he would have a better claim to human rights than human Satiricus?

And even otherwise, dear God, Satiricus has some questions for you. In the first place, when you make monkeys that can understand language, do you really mean a monkey would know the English language so well that it could replace Satiricus as the writer of this column? If you are so simple-minded, permit yours truly to disabuse your mind. Who told you an English-language journalist needs to know the English language? Satiricus must patriotically point out to you that in India that is Bharat the basic premise of English-language journalism is that the journalist must not know the English language either the grammar, or the vocabulary, or even the spelling.

In fact, did you know, oh my God, that even the Queen of England does not know Queen’s English and speaks it so badly that their newspapers comment on it? Did you also know that in the land of the English itself a school-teacher of English is conducting a “pure English” campaign?

Secondly, rats may be good at decision-making, but are mice equally good? Satiricus thinks not.Look, for instance, at the mice who run the Government of India. Ask the PM, the Prime Mouse. Would he change every decision of his government the next day if mice were the same as rats? And finally, dear God, we have no human rights left to give to dolphins and whales. We have already given them all to our own inhuman terrorists.

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