India That Is Bharat
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about telling lies is at last out. It happened the other day, when Satiricus happened to read a newspaper heading saying: “Lying is more satisfactory. Trust us, we aren’t fibbing,” Now, despite a lifetime of newspapering Satiricus believes that whatever appears in cold print must be true—even the lies. For have not the Americans invented “true lies”? Unfortunately, Satiricus is not an American but a congenital Hindu brought up on a daily dose of truthfulness by a medieval-minded mom. As a wretched result he is admittedly uncomfortable with his few forays in fumbling fibbing. But of course if Satiricus can still not learn to lie despite such expert advice at hand, what can the experts do? For according to the report under that heading, that is what was found in a recent study by learned dons at the University of Sydney in Australia, which was published in a magazine called Journal of Consumer Research. Here, however, Satiricus is surprised to see that it needed university scholars to tell the truth about lies when everybody knows that the advertised truth about a soap or a shampoo has been specially cooked for the consumer’s consumption.
Even beyond the fabulous fibs for shoppers’ satisfaction, this research has found that the volume of lies that people tell on a daily basis is, in its honest opinion, truly impressive. It says on an average people tell one or two lies per day, which comes to about 42000 lies before age of 60.What!Just a couple of lies—or a solitary single lie—per day? Why so little? Because, says this research, “lying is hard work”. Well, now, it is really true that telling lies is hard work for the advertisement copy writer, but what about others—like, say, rich people and richer politicians? For according to another magazine, this time an American journal called Proceedings of the National Academy of Science,the rich are more likely to lie. Why? Because “the rich’s view of the world may be clouded by greed, as a result they have fewer scruples than those who have less money to burn.” Well, now, that’s interesting. For that makes Satiricus a truthful person because he does not have even a measly million to his credit. And even if he had many millions, he would not put them in the fire, he would put them in a safe Swiss bank. For is that not what everybody does, from the Dynasty down?
Anyway, after the Australians and the Americans, it is the turn of the Brits. They have recently concluded that honesty, the other name for truthfulness, is not the best policy. A scholarly study, this time by the Essex University in England, says the Brits are now less honest than they were ten years ago. They are now “more tolerant” towards people who cheat and lie to their wives about their extra-marital affairs, or to people who cheat the government on welfare benefits.
All in all, Satiricus notices a curious truth about these studies in untruth: They have been made by Australians, Americans and Britishers—all English-speaking peoples. This answers the question: Why is Satirious not good at telling lies? The answer: Because he is not good at telling them in English.
Making A Name
After timidly hiding behind a pen-name for a long time Satiricus is now thinking of making a name for himself. But the problem is, what name? Because old Bill Shakespeare’s question what’s in a name now has a new answer—a lot. Researchers from Melbourne University in the East to New York University in the West have recently found out that persons with simple, easy-to-say names are likely to fare better in life than those with a tongue-twister.More specifically, they have made the discovery that those with more pronounceable names are more likely to attain a senior position in their company or office. What do these fascinating findings mean for Satiricus’s search for a notable name? It means if Satiricus wants to rise in the world he must not only make a name, he must make a simple name. But would that not mean he would be classed with any Tom, Dick or Hari? Surely a high status needs a high-sounding name—or if the name is not sufficiently high, it should at least be sufficiently long.
At least that is what two young friends in England, Daniel Hewson and Kelvin Borbidge thought. So they paid the legal fee of ten pounds and became famous for the longest names in the country. Hewson became Emperor Spiderman GandalfWolverine Skywalker Optimus Prime GokuSonic Xavier RyuCloud Superman Heman Batman Thrash! Not to be left long behind,Borbidge became Baron Venom BalrogSabretooth Vader MegatronVegetaRobotnikMagneto Bison SephirothLexLuthorSkeletor Joker Grind!! What does Satiricus have to say to that? He is not in a position to say anything. He is out of breath.