India That Is Bharat
IT is a truth universally acknowledged that Sariticus has a pea-size brain. But has any friend of his tried to find the scientific reason behind this minute measurement of what passes for Satiricus’s brain? Alas, no. Occassionally a sad Satiricus has himself mused over the mystery. But now he knows. The other day a team of scientists of Oxford University has found out that Satiricus is virtually brainless because he lives in India that is virtually brainless Bharat. According to these brilliantly brainy people living in the North, people living in the North have bigger brains than those living in the South. After measuring the brain volume of 55 skulls from around the world they have come up with the theory that people living in countries farther away from the equator (unlike India near the equator) have more brain matter because in the low-light conditions in the North their brains need to work harder to “process”, understand , what they see. So there! The mystery of the congenital connection between peas and pea-sized brains has been solved. Now the question is, what can or should Satiricus do about it? The obvious solution is that he should shift to brainy Britain. In the alternative, if there is this learned link between low light and low intellgence, he can overcome the problem by using a brighter-power light-bulb to write this column.
What sort of a personality does Satiricus have? He likes to think that he is elegant and fastidious and dynamic. But there is a problem with this esteemed estimation. It is that according to a recent media report, it is car colour that reflects your personality. The colour of your car reflects a lot about your personality, says this report. For instance, silver denotes elegance, white signifies fastidiousness, and red stands for high energy and dynamism.
That is a colourful explanation, but it does not explain to Satiricus if the colour of the car that he does not have would be as significant as the colour of the bicycle that he has. Or is it that if Satiricus has no car he has no personality? There is also another problem. If, as the report suggests, a red Maruti means a dynamic driver, would a red Mercedes mean he would be doubly dynamic? Then again, if a six-lakh-rupee car makes the driver elegant, would a six-crore-rupee car mean he would be exactly a hundred times more dynamic? Oh, well, Satiricus was under the impression that the personality of a person is an innate quality, not machine-made, but now that that machine is a car that can think for itself, can know where to stop by itself, and can even describe the scene along the street it passes, no self-respecting car will have a very high opinion of Satiricus pedalling his bike.
There are robbers and robbers. In fact there are so many types of them that Satiricus is not sure which type runs the government of India. But from recent newspaper stories Satiricus can say it takes all sorts (of robbers) to make the world. Take, for instance, this headline : “Man robs bank of one dollar to get medical aid in jail.” This jobless 60-year-old American suffering from multiple ailments calmly went into a bank, walked up to the cashier, and politely gave him a note saying he did not want to scare anybody but wanted to rob the bank of just one dollar so that he would be arrested by the police and sent to jail—where he would receive free medical treatment! How thoughtful of the robber. The cashier was equally thoughtful. He handed over one dollar. But were the police and the court equally thoughtful? Well, the thoughtful robber was not very hopeful on that point, for he told the cashier, “I’ll be sitting right here, waiting for the police,” then added, he would like a 3-year sentence but probably won’t get more than one year.
Satiricus was sorry for him, but he felt sorrier for another robber–who robbed a bank to pay a court fine. He had been convicted for assaulting somebody and fined three thousand dollars. The man lost his job due to the conviction and was hard up—so he robbed a bank to raise the money for duly paying the court fine. How conscientious! How law-abiding!
But why were these robbers cash-strapped in the first place? Because they were not regular robbers, that is, not robbers on a regular salary in a robbery company. And this is where incredible India outpaces America. For Satiricus is patriotically proud to report that the Patiala police have recently discovered a regular enterprise that employed women on a monthly salary of Rs. 20,000. Their job : Dress up like prosperous family members, attend weddings, mingle with guests, keep an eye on purses and bags—and walk away with them when there’s a chance. See? Obviously, these ladies were graduates of an IIT—Indian Institute of Thievery.