India That Is Bharat
Is secularism a Semitic religion? Satiricus does not know. But he knows that every such religion has a Day of Revelation, and for us born-again secularists it was the day our Prime Minister revealed that Muslims have the first right on India’s assets. But in that case how could India’s Muslims remain such a poor and deprived lot after ruling India for 800 years? Again, Satiricus does not know, but Sachar does, and his report has reportedly transferred that precious knowledge to Pak President Zardari. For, according to one of the WikiLeaks, during a talk with US ambassador to Pakistan Ann Patterson about the LeT attack on Mumbai, he pointed to a “report done in India which indicated that Indian Muslims are treated poorly and are among the least prosperous members of the society”, so naturally enough, they “could have assisted LeT”. Fortunately, while LeT’s Indian Muslim assistants were, alas, poor, LeT itself is prosperous enough to have built a huge campus in Pakistan, complete with a public relations department and even a fish pond.
Anyway, while the Sachar report makes a sad reading for secular Satiricus, he finds that the terrific triology of UPA reports Sachar-Liberhan-Rangnath is not without its lighter side. Rather, the Liberhan report was a hilariously funny piece of fiction, and fully merited a loud and long laugh.
But look at how these petty people, these humourless Hindus, reacted. BJP leader Venkaiah Naidu said the report should be thrown into the Bay of Bengal. Another BJP leader Arun Jaitley dubbed the report a “tragedy of errors” produced by a “puny” judge. Former RSS Sarsanghchalak Shri Sudarshan found the report “incredible”. VHP leader Togadia dismissively said such reports may come and reports may go, their sponsor-governments may come and governments may go, but Hindu culture will go on for ever. To cap all this, columnist Sudheendra Kulkarni wrote: “Liberhan Commission has indicted 68 persons in the demolition… After reading the report I am constrained to add a 69th name—the Commission itself.”
Now all this was really too much for oh-so-secular Satiricus. When the Hon’ble Justice (retd.) Liberhan toiled for 17 long years (instead of the allotted few short months) to cook (sorry, sorry, prepare) this masterpiece of a report, how could it be worthy of the waste paper basket?
But no, these finicky fiends, these horrid Hindus, not only rudely rubbished the report but even more rudely pointed out the plethora of mistakes that made it rubbish. When was Gandhi assassinated? Liberhan does not know. Who founded RSS? He thinks it was Savarkar. Who put Jinnah’s words in the mouth of Deen Dayal Upadhyaya? Who cares? Not Justice Liberhan. And who was India’s former President? Dr Abdul Kalam Azad. On the other hand, who permitted shilanyasa? Liberhan conveniently forgets it was Rajiv Gandhi. Who even promised to establish “Ram Rajya”? Again Liberhan forgets it was Rajiv Gandhi. And the crowning gem of the report how could the Hon’ble Justice Liberhan indict Devraha Baba for the demolition when that saint had died two years before the demolition? Oh, well, there are more things in heaven, earth and Liberhan’s imagination than are dreamt of by Satiricus.
Sharaab in the sky
Being a Hindu ignoramus, Satiricus was laboring under the impression that Islam is a rigid religion that does not permit believers to make modern adjustments. He has been proved wrong. Actually he has been wrong since those long-past days when Pakistani President Zia had launched his campaign for Pakistan’s “Islamisation”. Once Zia had called a meeting of mullahs to give their verdict on whether sharaab should be allowed on Pakistan International Airlines (PIA). After scratching their bearded heads, and knowing that no sharaab on PIA would be bad for PIA business, the mullahs came up with a clever way out of the Islamic dilemma. They decreed that since sharaab would be served and consumed high in the sky, and not down on earth, it would be perfectly okay to serve it during flight. After all, the Koran has not said anything about drinking or not drinking in the sky.
And now, pictures showing Miss USA 2010 doing the “pole dance”, a standard semi-nude show in sleazy western night-clubs, have surfaced. She is Rima Fakih, an ethnic Arab Muslim American-turned Christian. Satiricus wonders where have all the fatwa-addicted mullahs gone?
Oh well, perhaps it is time for this stupid Hindu to learn that Pakistani Islam and Western Islam are two different Islams. In fact, this is precisely what he should have realised on recently seeing on the internet two photographs showing Muslim women walking down the street in Lahore and in Britain. In Lahore they were dressed in jeans and revealing knee-high dresses, and in Britain they were in all black, from head to foot, with just slits for eyes.