Devoted Dynasts

INDIA THAT IS BHARAT

Satiricus cried. Yes, Satiricus wept. With all that collective Congress crying at Jaipur, he could not but join in. But of course they were tears of joy. It was the joy of the Indian National Congress saving the Indian nation yet again. Was it not virtually the third time a happy hat-trick? For, as Satiricus recalls, when, after Rajiv Gandhi was no more and Soniaji went into seclusion, the poor Congress orphans seemed headed for the orphanage. Then out of nowhere came the deity of deliverance Priyanka Gandhi, She was then a teen-age girl, almost an adolescent. So what? After all she is a born Gandhi, and is not a Gandhi born wise? So every Congress leader in his dotage delightfully declared that she was the epitome of all wisdom in the world. But alas, Priyanka the Wise apparently had second (and wiser) thoughts, and decided that while saving the country was just a chore for her there were more important things to do, such as raise a family. So exit Priyanka. What could orphaned-again Congressmen do? They did the only thing an orphaned child does they wailed for mummy: “Sonia Lao, Desh Bachao!” Taking pity on piteous partymen, Soniaji the Saviour duly came and duly bachao-ed the country. That was 15 years ago. Since then the desh has remained oh-so-safe, secure, secular and solvent. There is peace on earth, including India, and goodwill among men, including the men in Pakistan. There is security, thanks to the joint efforts of Messrs Sushilkumar Shinde and Hafiz Saeed, secularity, thanks to the joint efforts of Messrs Manmohan Singh and Sachar, and prosperity, thanks to the lakhs of crores of Indian rupees in Swiss banks. In short, for Satiricus this was surfeit of saving. But not for the secular gods, nor for their devoted dynasts. So now we have a third Gandhi, responding to the clarion call ‘Rahul Lao Deshko still more Bachao’.

Now personally Satiricus has no doubt that with his excellent experience in UP and Gujarat newly-anointed Congress vice-president Rahul Gandhi has amassed enough expertise in the bachao business. But unfortunately this leading light of one Congress is being ridiculed by the other Congress. For according to the general secretary of the Nationalist Congress Party, “whenever the vices of the presidency began, there was appointment of vice-president in the Congress party.” Satiricus is shocked at this dastardly differentiation between Congress vice and Congress presidency. What is still more shocking for the journalist in him is that a fellow-journalist, who seems to be literate, even knowledgeable, despite being a journalist, dares to look “beyond the weepy show” and “tearful denouement” at the Jaipur conclave and wretchedly remarked: “The new vice-president of the Congress lambasted the ‘system’ the same system that party president Sonia Gandhi presided over for 15 years.” As if this is not bad enough, he adds almost with a sneer and a snigger, “His talk sounds especially hollow given that he is a beneficiary of the same system.” On the other hand, “in choosing to invoke the sacrifices of his family he joined the already proliferating groups of system-bashers.” As if this convolution is not enough to cause confusion worse confounded in Satiricus’s bird-brain this pernicious pen-pusher adds: “Rahul got applause….when he thundered that a billion Indians want a say in government, politics and administration, and it cannot be decided by a “handful of people behind closed doors”. The said pen-pusher then innocently asks, about whom was Rahul talking? His own not-so-innocent answer: “A natural surmise would be the ruling Congress’s core group but that comprises Sonia Gandhi.” What does Satiricus have to say to that? Does it make sense to him? Well, not even stupid Satiricus is so stupid as to expect a thundering political speech to make sense.

Preferred Mode For Getaway!

It is a given that for success in any profession you have to know its basics. For instance, a professional thief needs to know that his success lies not so much in the stealing as in the getting away. In modern times the preferred mode for the getaway is of course a car. But emergencies can arise when you have to improvise. For instance, an American thief whose own car had perhaps gone for servicing used a police car to get away. Another used a bicycle. Yet another even used a motorised lawn-mower. But in a recent case a thief in a south American city had none of these alternatives available to him. As time was of the essence, just hours before the scheduled midnight theft in a store he stole an ass onto which he planned to load the stolen goods and “ride” to safety. And what happened? The ass brayed loudly and alerted the police. See? Had it been a horse it would have made horse-sense. As it is, the ass made an ass of the thief.      ■